I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
