Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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