It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You are the jesus of drinking
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
