I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
