I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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