no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
