I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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