I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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