Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
