I can't breathe out the right side of my face
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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