Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
How does it feel to date your dad?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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