I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
