I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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