I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
