I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
