I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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