Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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