do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
