I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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