i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
