i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
