can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
