It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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