You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
