Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
