i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
