dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
