Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
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