That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just want to make out with him forever
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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