I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He? As in you personified your dick?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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