I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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