I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
