The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
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