I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
