do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize