I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
