is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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