I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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