Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
