I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
