Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
