I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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