did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
