o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
