Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Randomize
