I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
