Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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