WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
