Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
