I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
