I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize