he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
