I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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