I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
We got so high we made milksteak
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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