all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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