He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
