I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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