morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
